How To Kill A Mockingbird
by DarthParallax
Summary: DISCLAIMER: This fanfiction is transcribed from the following YouTube video. /watch?v fo45o69HaKI All credit for the work should go to the video-maker. It's probably the only 'crack-fic' of "To Kill a Mockingbird". This video defined the internet for me, and ever since then I've never been able to forget the greatest instance of Ninjas vs. Pirates...on fire.
1. Boo Radley and The Mockingbird

DISCLAIMER: This fanfiction is transcribed from the following YouTube video. watch?v=fo45o69HaKI  
All credit for the work should go to the video-maker. I thought it was comedy GOLD though, and knew it deserved to be uploaded to Fanfiction. It was made in 2007, and is probably the only 'crack-fic' of "To Kill a Mockingbird" that so thoroughly embodies everything I love about Fanfiction. In fact, the Top Comment on the original video even says:  
"I remember seeing this many years ago. **This video defined the internet for me**, and ever since then I've never been able to read "To Kill A Mockingbird" without remembering the hands-down greatest instance of Ninjas vs. Pirates... on fire." And I think that's all you need to know. OK, now you can read it.

Chapter One- Boo Radley and the Mockingbird  
_  
"And in conclusion, that's what Mark Twain was talking about when he wrote Huckleberry Finn…"_

Josh Parker went back to his seat. It was alright I guess, as book reports go. I think mine is better though. I liked how Mark Twain said that God lets good people be pirates. I'll probably read that book next.  
The teacher is looking at me now. I finished this late last night. I hope she likes it.

"Next up is Benny Miller. What book did you do? Oh my goodness…"

One thing Josh did wrong was, the key to a good book report? Presentation.

"Hang on teacher, first I have to hook up this laptop with some power converters to the overhead projector. I did a Power-Point presentation."

I started dragging the contraption I had rigged together on a cart from the hallway into the classroom. I had rehearsed this the night before, and even tape-recorded myself, so all I had to do for my presentation was press a button and lip synch. Pretty smart move, for a kid fresh out of 6th grade. But the teacher didn't need to know that part. As the tape started playing, my Power-Point started showing some pictures of the book I found on Google.

"_I did 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. Which is probably the best book ever written by a person. It won the award called the Pulitzer Prize, which is pretty much like the Oscar for books."_

There was some lazy nodding as the kids who knew what the Oscar was looked interested.

"_Some call it: _The Timeless Classic of Growing Up, and The Human Dignity That Unites Us All, _and I would agree with them. 'To Kill a Mockingbird' is about a girl named Scout. Scout lives in the South, and she has a brother named Jem. "He once had a broken arm" Scout says. Her last name is Finch. Same as her's brother's, and her dad's, Atticus. But not her mom, because her mom's dead"_

I thought I'd done a pretty good job of drawing Scout and her family in MS Paint for the Power-Point. It was a lot harder to draw her mom though. That rocky texture on the tombstone took me twenty minutes to figure out how to do.

"_Atticus Finch is a lawyer, and he fights for justice! They have a slave woman named Calpurnia. She cooks them dinner, and is very mysterious! They have a friend named Dill. _(I got lazy at drawing at this point. In the Power-Point, Dill was a pickle.) _They also have a crazy neighbor named Boo Radley who killed his dad and wants to kill all of them. That's why Dill wants to find him."_

Once I started talking about killing people, the class perked up. Books with killing in them are always the best! The PowerPoint changed to a scene in front of Boo Radley's house.

"_One time they go to his house, and Jem touches the house to show that he isn't an idiot. He does it, and, he sees the shutters move because Boo Radley wants them all dead. This is when things started getting hazy….."_  
(Actually, this is when I stopped working on the project to watch TV last night. I'd just finished the book, and it was late. I woke up a 7:30AM today and did the rest the project 10 minutes before class started. I hoped noone would notice though.)

"_The next morning Scout and her friend, and her brother, decided to go exploring for treasure. But _too late! :O _A_ PIRATE _found them first!_ _And who was this pirate you ask? None other than_ BOO. RADLEY. ! _Who wants them dead as much as the treasure. almost. He said to them "Now I have the treasure from the tree, and all you get is the string and the clockwatch." (_At this point, to build some excitement, I had put some action villain music into the Power-Point. The class was on the edge of their seats!) _And Scout, a girl, says "__Not so fast, Pirate__!" and it turns out she's actually not a girl at all, but a robot guy. _"

"_The pirate was like "Yeah right, this treasure's mine, __forever!__" And right when he's getting ready to ride away on this burning shark (_That totally happened in the book by the way. Definitely.), _the pirate's like "NOOOooo!", because right then, a Mockingbird with this Giant Head, and wings, like a helicopter,_ _he took all the gold and gems. Except for the character named Jem. 'Cuz he's worthless. The pirate's like "_Yeah Right_!" And pulls out his Musket! No, wait. It was actually a gun for lasers! Well, a laser __**sword**__!. With guns __**on**__ it. AND it shot other swords! So the pirate jumps on this Burning, Flying Shark, which takes him to this Airship, which is full of cannons, missiles, and more Pirates. With awesome sword guns and plasma rifles! You can see the Pirate Logo ™ glistening in the bright, morning sun. There was a lens flare, and motion blurs!" _(This is actually part of the book report script, not just describing the Power-Point)

"_The Mockingbird was like, "Yeah, Right!", cuz, No-One can Kill A Mockingbird, _or can they_? ? ?  
The Mockingbird, which is now also On Fire, uhh, but ColdFyre, shoots these lightsabers from his mouth. Uh, they were also burning. The Pirates were like "No Way!" aLL at once, and their Flying Airship charged the Mockingbird! "Load the cannons, mateys!" the First Mate said. They then loaded the cannons with missiles and shot everything they had. Including lesser pirates. But they didn't mind. Cuz they were awesome. And it was like a small cut for them, and pirates enjoy being cut." __"__SHOOT EVERYTHING WE HAVE!"_


	2. Shoot Everything We Have!

Chapter Two- Shoot Everything We Have!

""_Shoot Everything We Have, Mateys!" the Second Mate said. It was Hard Core. After minutes of pure awesome, the smoke started to clear. The pirates were shocked to see the Mockingbird was unharmed. In fact, it had grown another head! _(One that looked like George W. Bush) _And this one was __even bigger looking!__ and also on cool fire. Now the Bird was angry and Ready to Kill! The Mockingbird opened its mouth like it was ready to talk, but instead it just made the most angry yell in __**history**__!__** EVER**__!"_

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !  
(Oh yeah and I forgot to say there's been techno music going on for a while now. Like in Space Invaders.)  
_  
"The pirates are like "We're goinga explode!" And then they exploded, _JUST _like they predicted!"  
_(I could tell this was the best book report anyone had ever given in history, because the class was all like 'OMG this is the best book report ever given by a person in history!' at this point.)  
"_You can notice here that the author is using Literary Devices such as Symbolism, Dramatic Irony, Foreshadowing, and other symmetric processes:  
_Literary Devices

Symbolism

Dramirony

4shadowing

Pirates

_This is why it won the Pulitzer Prize, even though it was written by a woman. Her name is Harper Lee. She must be rich now."_

Pulitzer Prize

Harper is a girl's name?

Oscar for books

$MONEY$

"_ANYWAY, the Pirates all tried to jump to their sharks but instead fell a million feet to the ground below. But survived. CUZ THEY'RE PIRATES! Now they were angry, and wanted the Mockingbird dead. This time it was personal! They go to the robot guy named Scout, who is the most important character in the book, and ask him to join forces. "YEAH RIGHT!" said Scout, "Not after you were leaving me behind to not have treasure!" But he joined them anyway. Only Scout thought it was possible to Kill the Mockingbird. Only _He _Believed in Himself!" _(Close Zoom-Up on Scout's Face, which looks like Samus Aran from Metroid. Cuz he's secretly a girl.)


	3. Literary Devices, Ancient Chinese Ninjas

Chapter Three- Mysterious Slave Woman, Literary Devices, and Ancient China

(African Flute music plays in the background)_  
"Just then, the Mysterious Slave Woman they own approaches them, then tells them about The Mysterious Ancient Slave Book From Africa © called "How to Kill a Mockingbird" except, it was originally written in African. They learn there is only one (1) remaining copy and it is guarded carefully deep, in the ninja lair, in Ancient China. Now it was on. _**Hard Core**_."_

An Ocean:  
Modern Day (There's some quiet, peaceful, but totally awesome music going up and down in the background)

"_The Pirates, Scout, and the Slave Woman get into the Time Machine, which was actually, a Time-Travelling Castle._ (Also totally in the book.) _They flew at Warp Speed around the Earth,_

TIMELINE OF THE BOOK  
k-The French Revolution k- Dinosaurs! k- The great depression k- The age of pyramids k- Recent Times k- Pirates (Now)  
Great Wall built by Pink Floyd k- ANCIENT CHINA k- Fire invented k- Days of yore k- Boo Radley is born from an egg k- Jesus k-  
BIG BANG k- Unraveling the Mystery k- History k- Science k- Math k- Pyramids k-

_Before they knew it (because it was fast), they arrived in ANCIENT CHINA, where the __**Ninjas**__ lived. THIS SETS THE STAGE FOR THE CLIMAX OF THE BOOK._

China:  
Ancient China

"_The Climax of a piece of literature typically follows a long progressive rise in action. The Climax continues until the reach a sort of Resolution, which is then followed by the D__é__noument. That is French for The End, and is a Literary Device, like the Ninjas. That's why Harper Lee won the Pulitzer Prize."  
_Climax  
_/ \\_

Rising Action /_/ __**NINJAS **__\\ _Falling Action_  
_ Introduce a Problem/ \\ Dénoument = PULITZER PRIZE


End file.
